Pages

Saturday, 30 September 2017

Are you okay? (2)

Chapter 2: Lost

I was thinking about killing myself lately. Maybe because I was so damn stress and sad all the time. It makes me really wanted to run away from everything. Literally everything even the things or people that makes me happy. I learnt that no matter how hard I tried to pleased everyone, they will keep hurting me. 
They make promises that I wish they would just say they can't. They didn't even try to at least make me less sad. I was crying all night thinking what went wrong. What made them change so fast? I was hurting and no one cares. No one bothers to care. 
As no one cares or asked, I tried to distract myself and became busy but at the end of day I still cried thinking about everything that went wrong in the first place. Wish they would be understanding than judging me.
 I listened to sad songs more now. Would anyone ever be there to understand me? treat me better? or even tell me they regret on how their behavior is changing me slowly? I wish there was. Because now, I'm gone. I'll disappear from their sight. I will be gone from this cruel world. No one will miss me anyway. If there was anyone who love me, care for me ..
 Thanks for existing but you do realize, you're just the same like everyone I ever knew. The biggest scar I could give to everyone is my death. I'll die and you will know why and how.  I would leave everyone that knew me a note and from that, it'll be the last time you ever receive something from me. 

Wednesday, 27 September 2017

Monday, 28 August 2017

Just for you

How are you so good at knowing things about me? It amazes me how perfect you are. When I first met you, I thought you didn't want to be my friend. We didn't talked to each other or even smiled. You would just walked right pass me and I wouldn't even notice you beside me. At the end of the year, we finally said something. 

You are very charming in so many ways. I would tell you everything and anything you wanted to know about me. I love how your hair is regardless of how it changes from time to time. You're a great listener. You make me feel safe and how you know how to make me laugh when I'm sad. Trust and loyal is important, I'm glad you have both of it. 

I said to you that I would do anything for you and I did. You're not good at controlling your emotions but it's okay. I find it very cute and scary at the same time. I still can't believe how you're so good to me. I'm lucky to have you. I hope you would stop over thinking about me having someone else because I don't have anyone else except you. I'm sorry for making you worried about me. 

I am sorry for all the wrong things I did when we are out together. Just know that I love everything about you and that you have no flaws at all. For me you are everything that I can't imagine. You're one of a kind ( this is so cliche) but it's true. I have never fall hard as much as I fall for you. You make me melt and I hope you don't make others melt too --''. I love you from the bottom of my heart.
 

Open my eyes

Enjoy.


Wow. This is really unusual for us to do. I thought you were different from others. I thought you weren't gonna do the things you weren't supposed to do. But you did it anyway. Did you did it because of something else? Or was it because you thought I wanted it too? I just want everything to be the way it was before. Funny how I'm the one that said yes and regretting not saying no to you. What happened? Nothing happened ... and it never did. For once, I regret doing the things that leads me to something I'm avoiding. Yup. I should just said to you . " Stop",  " You don't have to do this" or " Is this really what you want from me". Nevertheless, I did it . We did it. And it was good. Fun. Amazing. But I regret it. I regret knowing who and what you really are. I hope we can stop making silly things in the future. I hope you take a moment a realise how messed up it is for you and me.  

But .. 

Saturday, 15 July 2017

Another story

Hey, it has been a while right? I just kinda got a little busy with life lately. Fixing things, I mean I'm just adjusting things if you get what I mean.  What I want to do right now is just lay in bed , listening to some music and never get up. But I can't anymore. Sucks. Okay, back to the real topic.. Another story. Enjoy.



It was nice meeting you. It was nice seeing your smile again. I miss you for so long. I tend to stalk all of your social media because I want to know your updates. I miss how we used to be. Walking together to school and just hanging out at Starbucks or the time where you and I like to just walk around the mall and eat suhsi together even though I kinda hate suhsi but I ate it anyway because you like suhsi. I wanted to tell you how much you meant the world to me but It was all gone until she came along. She was everything a guy would ask for. And so did you. I was heart broken by it. How you told me you wanted her . The way you tried so hard to get her attention. You never did that to me. Am I too different for you? Why can't I just tell you that I love you? Maybe I'm afraid.. I'm afraid that if I told you what I really feel towards you.. You wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. And you'll keep your distance. Because I am just a simple guy . And I know, it will be akward if we be something more than usual.

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Dear Diary

Dear diary, 


     it's been a while right? I haven't been writing you lately. Well, here I am. 1:15 AM  .. writing something that's been in my head for while. Might as well talk about it now. Things got intense. Mentally of course. I don't understand why these things keep happening to me. To think about it I liked the way it was before then now. My friend was right. He's always right. I should've listen to him but I didn't. Everything changed. When I remembered it all, I felt a weird feeling and sometimes it keeps bothering me. I didn't liked it but I kept the feeling to myself. No one is really there. There never was. I missed everything that used to meant something special to me. I felt a huge rock has land on my chest. The pain, the tears and everything I didn't want came back. I didn't want it to happened but yet I did it . But why do they force me? Why did they make me do things I don't want? Why are they being so selfish ?? I hate it. It feels like they're giving me a burden in my life again again and again. Why can't they understand me? Instead they made me do things I wished I didn't. 



But I blame it all on me. It's my fault. It's funny how people can talk so easy when they don't feel what we feel. I felt the pain but others felt more than the pain I felt. I regret everything. Every moment I spent happily... I regret it. I had no place to hide. So, I made a place. That place will be my world. Only people I accept will see my hiding place. I don't want them to know. If they know, I'll lose my place. It's funny how I'm running away when they should be the one..running away and move on with their life. I used to have crushes. I had to lied so people won't know whose my real crush. Who knew ..it will be my crush too. Nobody knew who. They only knew who I want them to think who it is. I want to lived freely. They keep me inside. I want to get out. I'm not allowed to go outside. I'm not allowed to asked for help or even say hello to anyone I want. I'm scared.. help me. 



Relationships are so beautiful in the beginning. It makes you feel you're at a place you've never been before. It makes you feel you're in space for some reason. Well for me at least. I loved it and I miss it. I miss everything but what can I do? Just do nothing. I'm tired..but never of you.



 We were young and bold,

We were everything we wanted for each other,

But who knew,
You and I became stars.


You and I became a part of the universe.

Just like how you became a part of me.


Now, you and I are like thick smoke..

So thick and white.. and at the end..
Disappear.

Monday, 6 March 2017

Sorry ~

sorry. Sorry for everything I've done.


It's not okay right? I'm sure you struggle a lot. Watching me behaving like that. I'm sorry. Sorry that if you seen me change slowly from time to time. Sorry for not paying enough attention to you. Sorry for being someone I am not. I didn't want it to be like this. I thought it was just temporary but it wasn't. They became part of my life too. And I wouldn't want it to end. They've gone too far. They know I can't but they still pretend everything's okay. I too felt sad and somewhat stress about it. I just want everything to be back the way it was but I know it's impossible. I tried to make them understand my sitution but they were against me. I tried. I did. But I just hate it when people I love are against me. I did it once and the person accept it. Will it be the same if I told them as well?  



I don't want to hurt you ... tell me if you're hurt... I'm sorry... sorry for everything.. I wish people understand more rather than trying something they shouldn't.