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Saturday, 11 March 2017

Dear Diary

Dear diary, 

     it's been a while right? I haven't been writing you lately. Well, here I am. 1:15 AM  .. writing something that's been in my head for while. Might as well talk about it now. Things got intense. Mentally of course. I don't understand why these things keep happening to me. To think about it I liked the way it was before then now. My friend was right. He's always right. I should've listen to him but I didn't. Everything changed. When I remembered it all, I felt a weird feeling and sometimes it keeps bothering me. I didn't liked it but I kept the feeling to myself. No one is really there. There never was. I missed everything that used to meant something special to me. I felt a huge rock has land on my chest. The pain, the tears and everything I didn't want came back. I didn't want it to happened but yet I did it . But why do they force me? Why did they make me do things I don't want? Why are they being so selfish ?? I hate it. It feels like they're giving me a burden in my life again again and again. Why can't they understand me? Instead they made me do things I wished I didn't. 

But I blame it all on me. It's my fault. It's funny how people can talk so easy when they don't feel what we feel. I felt the pain but others felt more than the pain I felt. I regret everything. Every moment I spent happily... I regret it. I had no place to hide. So, I made a place. That place will be my world. Only people I accept will see my hiding place. I don't want them to know. If they know, I'll lose my place. It's funny how I'm running away when they should be the one..running away and move on with their life. I used to have crushes. I had to lied so people won't know whose my real crush. Who knew ..it will be my crush too. Nobody knew who. They only knew who I want them to think who it is. I want to lived freely. They keep me inside. I want to get out. I'm not allowed to go outside. I'm not allowed to asked for help or even say hello to anyone I want. I'm scared.. help me. 

Relationships are so beautiful in the beginning. It makes you feel you're at a place you've never been before. It makes you feel you're in space for some reason. Well for me at least. I loved it and I miss it. I miss everything but what can I do? Just do nothing. I'm tired..but never of you.

 We were young and bold,
We were everything we wanted for each other,

But who knew,
You and I became stars.

You and I became a part of the universe.
Just like how you became a part of me.

Now, you and I are like thick smoke..
So thick and white.. and at the end..
Disappear.

Monday, 6 March 2017

Sorry ~

sorry. Sorry for everything I've done.

It's not okay right? I'm sure you struggle a lot. Watching me behaving like that. I'm sorry. Sorry that if you seen me change slowly from time to time. Sorry for not paying enough attention to you. Sorry for being someone I am not. I didn't want it to be like this. I thought it was just temporary but it wasn't. They became part of my life too. And I wouldn't want it to end. They've gone too far. They know I can't but they still pretend everything's okay. I too felt sad and somewhat stress about it. I just want everything to be back the way it was but I know it's impossible. I tried to make them understand my sitution but they were against me. I tried. I did. But I just hate it when people I love are against me. I did it once and the person accept it. Will it be the same if I told them as well?  

I don't want to hurt you ... tell me if you're hurt... I'm sorry... sorry for everything.. I wish people understand more rather than trying something they shouldn't.